The Big 920 Sports
Program, On-line and Social Media Director
We're counting down the 25 most awesome names of the recently completed draft. By "awesome names of the draft" we don't mean those players who have the most upside or the finest baseball pedigree. Rather, we mean it as a plaint: "Why don't I have a first and last name that is similarly awesome?"
After all, it stands to reason that, after a sprawl of 40 rounds and 1,216 draft choices, that a number of those names will be superlative in conception and execution. What follows is a celebration of those names.
And now let us commence with the the top 25 most awesome names of the 2013 MLB draft ...
25. Max Watt (Red Sox; 1,103rd overall)
Sounds like: talking, animated light bulb designed by the Department of Energy to teach schoolchildren about the inefficiencies of traditional incandescents.
24. Tristan Archer (Brewers, 632nd overall)
Sounds like: Legolas' taller, more angular and more prepossessing cousin.
23. Dakota Dill (Braves, 793rd overall)
Sounds like: locally sourced pickle atop grass-fed burger at "Quaff," that new Gastro-Pub that everyone's talking about.
22. Harrison Musgrave (Phillies, 991st overall)
Sounds like: presidential historian, tenured Dartmouth professor, MSNBC contributor. Unfulfilled in his marriage, but there's value in keeping up appearances.
21. Sebastian Kessay (Astros, 647th overall), Blake Hennessey (Dodgers, 574th overall), Randolph Gassaway (Orioles, 489th overall), Chaunsey Sumner (Yankees, 974th overall), Jace Chancellor (Padres, 838th overall) and Lachlan Fontaine (Mariners, 387th overall)
Sounds like: wealthy sons of privilege in late 1980s, brat-pack-larded John Hughes ensemble film. They park their imported luxury sedans in the faculty lot because they are far richer than the lowly teachers. They wear tennis sweaters to perilous excess and use the word "summer" as a verb. They all count as one name because they sort of are. James Spader plays Blake Hennessey.
20. Tyler Alamo (Cubs, 708th overall)
Sounds like: name on no fewer than 31,461 Central-Texas fake IDs.
19. Jake Stone (Cardinals, 815th overall), Nick Rumbelow (Yankees, 224th overall), Chance Sisco (Orioles, 61st overall), Johnny Slater (Braves, 943rd overall), Ryan Boldt (Red Sox, 653rd overall), Zack Granite (Twins, 410th overall)
Sounds like: hardscrabble, lower-middle class strong-silent types. Determined to rise above their stations but this desire, like all others, is submerged. They have made out with the girlfriends of Sebastian Kessay, Blake Hennessey, Randolph Gassaway, Chaunsey Sumner, Jace Chancellor and Lachlan Fontaine (each of those girlfriends is named either "Constance" or "Anna-Claire"). However, despite strong mutual longings, societal constraints will keep Jake Stone, Nick Rumbelow, Chance Sisco, Johnny Slater, Ryan Boldt and Zack Granite from being with the girlfriends of Sebastian Kessay, Blake Hennessey, Randolph Gassaway, Chaunsey Sumner, Jace Chancellor and Lachlan Fontaine for anything longer than the most fleeting of hot-blooded moments behind the gymnasium at the prom in a late-1980s John Hughes ensemble film. They all count as one name because they sort of are. Matt Dillon plays Johnny Slater.
18. K.J. Trader (Red Sox; 1,163rd overall)
Sounds like: next GM of the Dodgers; will sign Tim Tebow.
17. Buddy Borden (Pirates, 209th overall)
Sounds like: purveyor of the cheapest yet highest-quality pre-owned Datsuns in the entire Shenandoah Valley. Prices are currently slashed because Buddy Borden has too much inventory.
16. Chandler Eden (Marlins; 1,072nd overall)
Sounds like: character on The Young and the Restless. Conceptual artist with a past. Lives in the loft district. Wears eyepatch. Uncovered eye is just the deepest blue you've ever seen.
15. Narciso Crook (Reds, 705th overall)
Sounds like: nemesis of Hero Man in heavy-handed comic-book series True and Honorable Tales of Hero Man.
14. Tyler Toyfair (Diamondbacks; 1,050th overall)
Sounds like: where good boys who finish their peas and are quiet so that the adults can have just five godforsaken minutes of silence get to go on Saturday. Maybe.
13. Alexander Blackford (Angels; 1,117th overall)
Sounds like: reigning Earl of Wessex. Fond of delivering orders of execution while stroking his immaculately maintained Napoleon III beard.
12. Silento Sayles (Indians, 411th overall)
Sounds like: session bassist for Steely Dan.
11. Easton Napiontek (Rangers; 1,030th)
Sounds like: bellwether biotech firm with solid fundamentals. But what lies beneath?
10. Keaton Steele (Royals; 1,194th overall)
Sounds like: handsome, semi-retired cat-burglar and practitioner of casino heists. Currently enjoying life with his girlfriend on a Caribbean island with loose extradition laws. Sometimes, though, late at night and drinking alone on the veranda, he feels that remnant itch …
9. Stone Speer (Rays, 758th overall)
Sounds like: lantern-jawed homicide detective on the verge of, a, making determined love to a jaded waitress he just met and then, b, taking matters into his own hands insofar as the streets are concerned.
8. Dalton Moats (Royals, 984th overall)
Sounds like: where jesters who fail to sufficiently entertain Alexander Blackford, Earl of Wessex, are dispatched.
7. Fabian Roman (Reds, 495th overall)
Sounds like: dashing munitions expert. Also recipient of Keaton Steele's first phone call when Keaton Steele decides to put his crew together for one last job.
6. Buck Farmer (Tigers, 156th overall)
Sounds like: county sheriff who patrols the rural route with bottles of illegal corn liquor strap-bolted to the undercarriage of his cruiser.
5. Derek Toadvine (Yankees, 674th overall)
Sounds like: young wizard who kissed Hermione in one of the Harry Potter books. Killed by her in the next one. Or the one after that.
4. Guzman Michaelangelo (Mariners, 927th overall)
Sounds like: first Google result for search terms "Great Men of History."
3. Wolfie Tash (White Sox; 1,173rd overall)
Sounds like: coveted strain of marijuana.
2. Raphael Rhymes (Tigers, 456th overall)
Sounds like: seminal Bronx-based MC to whom coinage of the phrase "To the beat y'all, you don't stop!" is attributed.
1. Sicnarf Loopstok (Indians, 381st overall)
Sounds like: sound made by playing late 1980s death-metal album backwards. Interpreted by parental-interest groups to be invitation to Satan worship.
Until next year!