Johnny Manziel, Jadeveon Clowney (go ahead, try and pronounce it, he'll just change his mind), Sammy Watkins, Johnny Manziel's left tackle, Teddy Bridgewater, some linebacker from Alabama, a safety from Michigan that you know can't be any good because Jared Abbrederis and Joel Stave lit him up...on and on it goes.
It's the NFL Draft, version 2014, and I would imagine, if I played video games, that the Madden edition would be much more entertaining than the agenda being offered in Prime Time this Thursday night on not just one, but two networks. And not just on Thursday night, either, because for the real hardcore sports junkies with absolutely no life, you can catch all the rounds, all the "action", all weekend long.
Pick your poison, ESPN with their version of Dick Clark in Mel Kiper Jr., or the NFL Network, with all sorts of former ex-NFL jocks anchored by ESPN cast-offs like Rich Eisen and guys you never really heard of, but which are still much are better than the bad haircut and overexposed talking heads like Jon Gruden.
For me, I'd rather do just about anything besides sit down and waste a spring night in May watching this drivel. In fact, I'll give you 5 things I normally wouldn't do that would be heads and shoulders above burning precious hours of my leisure time in front of the flat screen to watch so-called experts miss every pick on the board that never amount to anything in the league anyway, so here they are, in no particular order, except five through one:
5. Go the mall. If I go, it's the night before Valentine's Day and Christmas Eve. The concrete is brutal on my knees, the food courts have nothing to ignite my appetite, I'm not trying to quit smoking and I have enough cheap sunglasses to last a lifetime.
4. Watch soccer. I never played it, I don't understand the rules, and any game that goes beyond the allotted time limit without qualifying for overtime is simply too confusing. It's the sport that is trying to ruin America, and if you can't use your hands to catch the ball or propel it forward, what's the point? Human foosball, that's what it is.
3. Mow the lawn. It might be a chore, but you are outside, getting exercise, especially if you still own a push mower like mine, 29 year old Toro 2-cycle veteran, "Old Red". Plus, you can really can upset your neighbors while you're mowing for 20 minutes if it's really loud. My mower is really, really loud.
2. Iron shirts. That's right. I wear dress shirts to work everyday. I don't like to support my local dry cleaner, my wife does that. I can iron five shirts that you could slit your wrists on, and, I can do that while watching something relevant on television, like a fishing show.
1. Go grocery shopping. While the rest of you meatheads try to figure out if Blake Bortles is going to go before Connor Shaw, I'll be trying to find the best price on a pint size jar of Baby Midget Kosher Dill Pickles, and I may just wander off into the beer and liquor section to find something similar to a draft, except this particular item will be conveniently capped in a twelve ounce bottle.
There's a draft in here, let's do something else, anything.
And For What