The NL Central Comedy Classic
The Wurst Brewer Fan In The World is heading down I-94 this Saturday from Madison to Brew Town to witness yet another episode of the NL Comedy Central Classic, it’s the Brewers and the Cubs at $7.50 Miller Park, formerly known as Wrigley Field North.
Gone are the hey days of over-served Cubs fans sitting in the prime time seats, bellowing loudly for heroes gone by like Sammy Sosa and Kerry Wood, when he was actually pretty good. No, nowadays the Screwers reside, inexplicably, in first place of the NL Central division, officially at the 1/3 pole of the 2014 season. The Mighty Cubs, on the other hand, now under the frugal management reins of baseball guru Theo Epstein, have once again taken up permanent residence in the basement of the division.
This will be the first foray for Wurst and his Cub loving wife, Cyndi, into the rarefied air of Miller Park this season. The weather forecast is more than favorable, temps in the 80′s and sunny, so the infamous roof should be open, which means more balls are likely to fly out of the band box park, especially the way the Brew-Ha’s have been hitting lately. Scoremobile tells me it’ll be Wily Peralta on the bump for Mildoggie and Jason Hammel for the Cubbies. For those of you twisted souls that bet baseball, this may not be as much of a lock on paper as it first might appear to be. In fact, the woeful Cubs can count two of their 19 victories over the Brewers in the last series between these two rivals. In that three game set the Cubs posted wins with their new Wood and Hammel at Wrigley.
Regardless of the outcome of this series, some things will undoubtedly remain the same upon arrival. One will be the stupendous parking charge slapped on us when we enter the grounds. Upon having forked over out hard earned $20, we will be directed by a 75 year old citizen clad in an obnoxious orange jumpsuit, resembling an escaped prisoner, to park some three miles away in a vague direction. (At least you get exercise when you got to a game at $7.50 Miller Park, because you’ll wind up walking a good half hour from your vehicle to the gate before it’s all over).
And why do I say $7.50 Miller Park? Because, alas, according to my sources, that’s the current going rate for a lukewarm 16 ounce plastic bottle of the very beer that is brewed right across the freeway from this grand stadium. And hey, remember, limit two per trip to the concession stand! Yes indeed, the days of flashing a $20 bill and catching a round for the guys, including tip, are long gone. Might as well reach for a C-note if that is what you have planned for the day.
That is why, my friends, you best “get your game on” in the parking lot, a safe 2-3 miles away from the actual playing environment, surrounded by fellow tailgaters with the same strategy, chugging as many $12 a CASE cans of Busch Light they can handle, all the while inhaling the intoxicating fumes of gasoline exhaust and grilling bratwurst.
It’s the NL Comedy Central Classic, and everyone should experience it, if, and only if, it happens once in your life. I just hope the guy selling the T-shirts that say, in Brewers blue and gold, “Wrigley Field, Home Of The World’s Largest Outdoor Gay Bar”, is back in business. I’ll bet you those are still $10, and I need a new one, my other one is starting to fade.
And For What